The World Cup of Hideousness

"The world is an easier place if you're beautiful. When a beautiful person smiles at you, you think "huh, aren't they nice". If an ugly person smiles at you, you think "Uh! What do they want? Freak..." From Comedy Central Presents: Jim Gaffigan.

There is always much discussion about the beautiful people in the world, and the better looking athletes. These lucky people get treated in the tabloids like movie stars, and are fortunate enough to date and marry the likes of Jessica Simpson and Posh Spice.

It is now time for the less aesthetically pleasing to shine. Even though some of these specimens still get the benefit of dating some of the world's elite. Look at "Cro-Magnon Man" Dion Phaneuf, dating the gorgeous Elisha Cuthbert. For every rule there is an exception, I guess.

But this is dedicated to the men who don't see so much glamour. These aren't the David Beckhams, Dan Carters or Lasith Malingas of the world. These are men who get the job done, and look terrible doing it.

The rankings are set up as if it were a world cup, the winners through to the rest of the top 10 of the worst looking sporting nations on earth. Keep in mind, I have not included the better looking players, these are simply the members of certain countries, who do their best to make the homeland look worse.


1) SPAIN: Hands down winner. Gold Medal. World Champion Trophy. Whatever you want to throw at the European country. Not that it's an overall hideous nation, but one man holds enough tenure to win it all. Carlos "Caveman" Puyol has got this one in the bag for Spain. The national football (that's Futbol) captain led his team to a Euro Cup victory in 2008, and leads his fellow countrymen to another victory here. As if this man's grotesque features weren't quite enough to capture victory, his fellow countryman and Spanish Basketball player Carlos Jimenez adds to the case, giving the Spanish a clear-cut victory.

2) Argentina: The South American Nation rides their way into Silver Medal position on the back of one man...or maybe on his forehead. Carlos Tevez and his fivehead make their way into the second spot on the list. A talented soccer player, Tevez also plays on Manchester Utd. which could be in the running for most hideous club team, although that would be a tight race with FC Barcelona. Argentina have won the Olympic gold in soccer in back-to-back olympiads, and came very close to taking this one as well.

3) USA: They probably have the largest amount of selection, so it may be easier to find the worst looking guys around. Far too many to mention really, but I think narrowing it down to the finest 2 specimens would be the best. The "Big Unit" is one really Ugly Unit. Stands 6'11'' and reminds one of an ostrich, who just so happens to be capable of throwing a ball 100mph. Joakim Noah may be a newcomer to the NBA, but he is definitely helps his countrymen out with veteran-like appearances. The Americans continue their big summer in Beijing with another finish in the medals here. Speaking of which, Michael Phelps, don't think I forgot about you, your just on the outside looking in on this one!

4) England: It has been forever since the English have won, or placed well in the Euro or World Cup, and they fare no better here. Close to placing in the top 3, but just not quite enough to be champions. A valiant effort by the team, but I guess the offset of Beckham is enough to make any team look good. Wayne Rooney teams up with Carlos Tevez (#2 -Argentina) to form one of the worst looking forward tandems in all of football. The main proponent in this 4th place finish has to be Peter Crouch. Not only is the gangly English striker a giant, standing at 6'7'' he also has the buck-tooth English goodness we all love so much.

5) Canada: The downfall of the Canadian man is hockey. Any hockey player can look good, until they reach a certain age and the face guard comes off. Then with flying pucks, sticks and angry McSorely's out there, the facial region becomes mangled and at times, disgusting. However, some of these gentlemen just couldn't look good if they tried. Mike Ricci has long been a workhorse in the NHL, all the while looking terrible. For that we honour him, and his fellow countrymen with the number 5 spot. One of the other favourites in this competition has to be Ryan Smyth, hockey's answer to Sarah Jessica Parker. Edmonton's 100.3 Bear Radio even ran public service announcements from "Smitty's Mullet" have a listen: http://www.paulbrownshow.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=audio%2fpaul_brown_mulletjerseys.mp3&tabid=55.

6) France: Not normally a nation we associate with the ugly men, but in this case, you will have to agree. Sure France has it's stallions (see Tony Parker) but it also has one major glaring problem...Frank Ribery. The French midfielder is a fine soccer player, but looks more like he should be playing for the English. Textbook British looks must infuriate frog-leg eating fans who are then enlightened by the play of the young international.

7) Portugal: The Mexico of Europe comes in at the 7th position with the help of a couple of Footballers. A country that is home to a man that women love and that futbol fans hate. Christiano Ronaldo is supposed to be the worlds most beautiful man, but is probably closer to the world's most hated man. Teammate Pepe offsets any good looks that Ronaldo may have and Fernando Meira just adds to the arsenal that Portugal is packin'.

8) Brazil: A country filled with beautiful supermodel women who tantalize the world with their beauty and legs that seem to go on for weeks. The sporting population is highlighted by Ronaldinho. Twice FIFA player of the year, he appears as though his mother was perhaps a champion at the Preakness. Brazil could rank higher on this list, but the general beauty of their people had to outweigh the efforts of one man.

9) New Zealand: Amazingly not a lot of ugly's come out of a country who's main sport is rugby. You would figure that with a national sport of no pads and metal cleats, there would be a few more problems in the looks department. Sure, there are the usual "Cauliflower Ears" from the front row guys, but the overall appearance is, well, Dan Carter and Richie McCaw aka Ladies Swooning. However, there is one fine piece of work in Hurricanes' Piri Weepu. He is reminiscent of an angry troll doll, or perhaps Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

10) Italy: A country mostly known for it's male machismo, can also provide some pretty good talent. Although they are mostly portrayed in the media as glamorous and desirable, Francesco Totti has done his Fabio-looking best to prove that wrong. With Euro-mullet and all, he has shown us exactly what his country is capable of when they put their mind to it.

Honourable Mentions: There are other countries that did their best to make their way onto the list, but just weren't quite enough to capture a spot in the top ten. In no particular order, the other countries of interest in this battle are Germany, Netherlands and Australia.

Germany: Not a lot of terribleness here, but Bastian Schweinsteiger has done his best to get on the list and look as much like the typical Aryan as possible.

Netherlands: Goofy-faced striker Ruud van Nistelrooy not only has a great name, but a great effort to represent his countrymen. Also, Robin van Persie appears here, I don't think he really looks all that bad, but he does remind me of Jason Biggs, which is good enough for me.

Australia: Rugby star Matt Dunning has a certain Louie Armstrong-esque appearance that helps his cause. However, the amount of bronzed surf stars makes the country look that much better.